Anxiety

The hole between our dreams and our reality

It was a near death like moment, sitting next to my office desk, contemplating about the possibility of how life would have turned out if I hadn’t take this path. Life was indeed a cruel tester if not a test itself. I sat there thinking about the other thousands of paths I could have taken but didn’t take. They say at the end you regret what you didn’t do than what you did. But that was not my reality. I wiped my eyes off. I feared if someone run in to the office and seen time weeping like a little child lost in the streets. There is hope the by passers say, confused.

It is in that moment I saw a flash of not a light but a flash of the highlight of my life driven passed my memory in deep dream like state. I had no control on it nor did I fight fearing it would vanish. And I sat there consciously, being reminded of my life in small and slight images.

I thought about my yesterdays in this world, not the past life or the separated self or the real self but I saw the reality of my worry for the useful and for the total useless. And yet here I am in identical state of mind but expressed with emotions and now in dreams of reality?

Unable to speak, I sat there struggling to continue my dreams after I am slightly wakened up with fear and sweat. And I managed.

Here was the reality. Why was I unsatisfied? Why did I want to be some one that I am not? And why did I see the other empty that the other full? Why should the world be fear of tomorrow when your struggle to be alive should celebrate your hope? Why would you fear tomorrow when all yesterday you lived you survived?

I could not think but listen to my thought. You can be rich. That is easy. The mind talked in a vague out of this world language. You can. “Remember”, it said trying to reply to its own message. “What if you knock on a million doors asking for money for a dollar?”

“improbable”, said the conscious, mentioning facts. The facts say like this. “You will be tired., who will give you a dollar? People don’t have cash this days”

But at that very moment it happened. It happened so real that I believed its presence. It is easy. To be a millionaire in a month. But it is the conscious that believes what it sees.

“Look the other full”, commanded the mind that I didn’t know before.

“Wow”, I responded with tears in my eyes. I am the luckiest in this world. I thought I realised myself for the first time, observing it from the very eyes of that is not myself or that I thought was other than myself. People would die to be that being. I was there thinking the nuts and bolts of the vague image of the mind.

What did I complain about? Love, marriage, days, morning, another day, social interaction? I am an alien with a human body.

That morning, while sitting at the same chair, consciously cried and prayed. I confessed the thoughts of the mind with the mere words that I could bear.

Then, I was in peace with myself.

I madly promised again and again to live my life in delight as if there is no more tomorrow or no later. I pictured the life I needed and the life I wanted to live.

For the next three days, I was in same dream but slightly drifting away from it.

..And few days later, I solved the stressing event. On that same day, standing at taxi station, I called few people to make sure that the world was same around.

..And few months later except that memory of the flash, I was living on same old life, immersed in the confusion of my dream and the reality of the mind.

Brook is the main author and owner of grandself. He started grandself as part of a life project to find his purpose and become influential. The posts are part of his understanding and continuous learning in everyday life. He coach people and give free advice over the internet and phone.

1 Comment

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