# Does change makes you hate the life you lived?

Change in life

I was loyal for bosses. I was very weak at heart for people I liked. I had lost through it.

Because the value I gave is much more than the value I got. I always lost.  Does this make me a loser?

The last six months of my life was a struggle to seem useful. My worry of rushing age and unsatisfied potential all killed me inside. I had no choice but to make adjustment to my days and to learn about myself all over again. I had to throw out what I already have to make a room for what is to come.

..Life is not of a sure thing. You only take a calculated risk. But here is always a consequence. They say you at least have two options, but both have a place of a destiny of own.

The consequences of my adjustment and change in life

For the first time in life I felt like I am the best thing that ever happened to earth. I questioned myself whether I was crazy for all these years for doubting myself. I felt like I am here on earth for worthwhile project. Through loving myself, I cared for my body, spirit and soul. My worries that satisfied my poor mind could no longer be invited to hurt my spirit. I took responsibility.  I no longer can run away from life.

I started thinking about passing away.

I always have lived for the future, for the unknown and for what lacks. Everything I have known was useless since I already know it. And I always struggled to know more.

When you feel for the first time about dying then you will notice how rigid you are in life. Whatever you do in life, it is sure you will pass. Then,why don’t you pass away doing what is worth?

Why the hell would you worry about other’s opinions of you?

Who is James bond for you or who are the Kardashian for you? We are a dead being in a flesh with a mediocre breath. It is sure you will pass and be forgotten. Get up and do something or you are already dead like the Schrodinger’s cat.

I knew that instead of talking, I can give.

Instead of only reading I can write, what ever it is I can write. I dropped everything that made me in the past to create a new beginning that negates it.

 Life is not about keeping what you have, but giving it away while looking for something new.

I started to feel today.

My mind almost stopped worrying about tomorrow and started living today no matter how scary it seemed. I looked up, and like a person in a trance, I wondered how beautiful the day was ? How beautiful the sky is? where was l all this time? I went out to touch and feel my cat’s fur. She was angry as obvious.  Her presence was full of energy that I could not express with words.

I am lucky to be here.

I am lucky to own a car.

I am lucky to have a family.

I am lucky to see a new day.

The night is good the blue sky is beautiful. We are all lucky to have earth other.

I ignored most of my practices.

I limited the time I help others and focused on myself. When I started to understand myself, and tried to work on my weakness. If I had read 80 percent of my time now I write 80 percent of my time. If I had ate 3 time a day, now I eat more. If I go to places I didn’t enjoy then I stopped going. Simple but powerful.

I ignored other’s opinion and started doing what I wanted. For the first time, I stopped being yes man to my boss and told him that it was his responsibility to do the things that were supposed to be done . I stopped a girl that was continuously chatting with me while I was on my job giving her another time to talk with her. Boy, she was never  happy she was with it but it helped me finish my work on time.

Consequence of the consequence.

I started noticing change in life. I hated sitting in my office for long and wanted to finish my work as fast to be somewhere else with a clear mind to think or socialize.

I almost stopped over analysing things to start doing.

People lost my complete presence in their destiny and they started questioning if I was OK. My sacrifice for their bare smile was not available for the first time. I noticed people who walked out of my life. I was happy for them. Of course, I can’t take them back in to my life. Their deceptions won’t work on me anymore since I am learning to discriminate.

I love my self. I am the hero feeling like hugging and kissing myself. You know if things around us is made by people not better than us, then why do we feel less?  The other day, a guy was yelling for his own mistakes, I didn’t respond. I was already above it.

At the end, some People started questioning what happened to me with in the last few months.  My decisions were aligned with my actions better than before. It makes people wonder if I am deliberately ignoring them.

Writing this article, I am thinking of what is left to do. What is done is much less than what should be done before September, before my project is over. I still have to refocus on what is already done and what the results are on today before complaining and projecting on the future. Change in life made me hate the routine and I learnt to love myself out of the routine.